She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
