dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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