I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
im on a boat
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