dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
