you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
