Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
