tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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