checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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