he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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