I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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