I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
