hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
