i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
