I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
