I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
