My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
