Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
