Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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