i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
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