Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
