I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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