It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
