sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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