My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
