craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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