I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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