I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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