i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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