i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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