One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
