So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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