Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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