His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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