I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
