I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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