He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
