He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
