mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
