M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
