My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
