i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
