On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
