she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
