I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
