Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
