GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
