Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
