I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
