It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
