I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Im part way to drunk.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
